CONFLICT

What about conflict?

Disagreements, misunderstandings, and accidental hurts are inevitable when dealing with people. When conflict surfaces, everyone responds according to their worldview and past experiences. A collection of experiences shapes these beliefs: our family of origin, beliefs about the purpose of conflict, our culture, and even our personality. 

What we believe about conflict will affect how we engage in it. If your belief about conflict is unhealthy, great news—that can be changed. Observing your response when conflict surfaces is a litmus test for determining whether you engage in healthy or unhealthy conflict resolution. 

Do you avoid conflict: Stay silent when you know you should speak up, stack offenses until you explode, pretend all is fine when it's not, and are passive-aggressive?

Do you react to conflict: Yell, blow up, insult others, criticize, argue, stonewall? 

Your conflict style is unhealthy if you answered yes to any of these. 

So, what does healthy conflict look like?

To engage in healthy conflict, we must first understand its purpose. It is essential to accept that conflict is inevitable. Second, it's important to understand that conflict will either bring us closer together or further apart from the person whom we have offended or have been offended by. 

Having a healthy framework of conflict is understanding that after engaging in healthy conflict resolution, the relationship with that person will be stronger, and you will walk away learning more about how to honor that person. There is a lot that can be learned about yourself and others through conflict. Healthy conflict is an opportunity for profound unity.  

The best way to heal unhealthy conflict habits is to assess and understand your current conflict tendencies and learn to implement healthy alternatives. 

If you have grown up around unhealthy conflict styles, it can be overwhelming to read this article on conflict resolution. Just as you would exercise a muscle to get stronger, you practice healthy conflict resolution, and your brain creates a "new map." Eventually, you will realize that you are better at relationships than when you started.  In therapy, you can learn about your conflict style and boundary style and " role-play" with a therapist to practice healthy conflict resolution. For the sake of brevity, I want to leave you with a couple of "fair fighting rules" we often teach our clients. 

Rule #1: Grow curiosity about your current emotion. 

What are you feeling? All emotions communicate something unique about your environment and current situation. What does this particular emotion indicate? Take time to understand your feelings before you bring someone else in. 

Rule #2: Do not stack arguments/topics. 

When you allow things to build up, the pile becomes too overwhelming. If you clear out the issue before it builds up, you will save yourself from a predicament. Discuss one item at a time and focus on one solution. 

Examples of what not to do: "You always leave the TV on, you left the dishes in the sink on Monday, you left your shoes on the kitchen floor on Tuesday, the dog did not get fed on Wednesday, and you left the microwave door open last night."

Example of what to do: Speak up and seek to correct the behavior as soon as the issue comes up:

"When you leave the microwave door open, I feel frustrated because I feel unheard when I remind you to close it. Please ensure you close the microwave door next time you use it. Thank you." 

Rule #3: Separate the action from the person. It is important to understand that conflict happens with people. As humans, we are always growing in our habits and behaviors. We help each other grow; therefore, we must learn to help each other grow with grace. 

Example of what not to do: "You are such a lazy slob; you never pick up your shoes and leave them all over the house."

An example of what to do is: "Susie, when you leave your shoes on the floor, I feel disappointed and unheard. Can you please make sure to put your shoes in the closet as soon as you take them off?"

Keeping the end goal in mind when engaging in conflict is crucial. What should be the goal of all conflict? To grow closer to others and have healthy and amicable relationships. The goal is not to offend others, win an argument, or prove a point; the goal is to honor and respect others by learning more about them and helping each other grow by becoming healthy, responsible individuals.