How do I help my Child/Teen with self care?
When someone struggles to do the basic self-care routines, deep hurt is often beneath the surface of the issue.
Recognize the signs:
Lack of energy and reduced ability to maintain self-care, such as showering, brushing teeth, eating, and getting out of bed, can be symptoms of a deeper issue. Common issues are depression, trauma, low self-esteem, and abuse. Whatever your loved one may be struggling with, it is hard enough to distract them from basic human needs. Your job is not to diagnose or fix it but to partner with them in treatment and recovery.
How do I partner with them in treatment and recovery?
Learn to appropriately care by approaching the issue with empathy, curiosity, and support, not demands and punishments.
Curiosity: What is causing your kid not to shower or brush their teeth? Are there distractions? Are they afraid of seeing their body? Are they struggling with obsessive thoughts? Have they been abused? A lot can happen; before you spiral, take a deep breath and keep reading. Do not get discouraged when you get the "I don't know" answer; your kid may not know what is happening in their brain, so redirect them to share that with their therapist during the next session. Your child's therapist should advocate for your child's best interest by also incorporating you in the treatment by coaching you and equipping you with parenting skills while guarding your child's confidentiality. One key role of a therapist is to put our client's experience into words so redirect them to us, and we can collaborate! Let us help!
But how can you help your child or ask about the issue at hand? By saying something like this: "Hey sweetie, I love you and care so much for you. I notice that showering and brushing your teeth has been challenging; what is happening? "I want you to know that I care deeply and want to work together to come up with a solution.
Support: After exploring the why, collaborate and redirect.
How can you collaborate?
"I now understand that getting out of bed is hard. What if we watch your favorite show while you sit here and try to brush your teeth?"
Collaborate: Brainstorm together, "so the issue is that we are not showering. How is it affecting you negatively?" Let your teen answer…. How can we solve the issue? "Can you body shower with the lights off since body image is hard right now?" "Can we brush our teeth as we see a few minutes of your favorite show?" "What if we brush our teeth and use a timer or brush our teeth to your favorite song?"
Don't Blame, Shame, name call, demand, or punish.
Why? When you punish, you associate a negative emotion with something that should be neutral.
Brushing teeth = Shame and fear
I would be cautious to add hurt to the pre-existing trauma, instead, build your child up. Your kid feels defeated, which is why basic needs are hard. Their mind is beating them up, and you don't need to add to that weight. As a parent, your role is to defend and protect your precious child. Instead help them associate seasons of hardship with your empathy and support.
Life struggles = My family is on my team!
If collaboration does not work, don't grow weary. Your child can benefit from therapy and your love and support! Encourage them with something like this: "I am on your team. I deeply care, and I know that we will get you help."
It can be so discouraging when your child or teen is struggling. You will not always need to brush your teeth with them or always have them around to support them. So, for the remaining years that your kids live at home, love them, build them up, and hold their hand as they walk through this hurdle. You go this parent!
